I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
there is puke in my bra ... again
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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