shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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