A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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