I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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