You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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