I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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