I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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