He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
