I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
