So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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