at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
