this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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