we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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