she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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