Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
