so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
