I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
