You're earring is so big in my mouth
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
