someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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