i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
