I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
