I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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