I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
