Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
