I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
