i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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