So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
