oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
