How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
