I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
