I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
