Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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