I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
