Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
