Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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