You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
