Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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