I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
