I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
