i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
