make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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