Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
