Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
