My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
