I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
