This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
