Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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