I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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