guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
