Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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