I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
